Sunday, June 26, 2005

Five Rules to Stay with Less Work in Office

All of us crib about that extra work from our boss. Most of it is never your department in the first place, which your “efficient” boss has passed on to you, and you know very well that all the credits for your hardwork is going to be hogged by your boss and boss alone and your name is not even going to figure anywhere. Every time he does it, all you do is shout “Yes Sir” from the top of your roof and the moment he leaves, you take out the choicest of abuses but nevertheless end up doing his job anyways. When you are breaking your head on that stupid project of your boss and suddenly you see your colleague coolly walking off for coffee or waves good bye and wish you best of luck, when he himself is going away to meet his wife or girlfriend, all you can do is to break your head more. Most of us go through this and I am no exception. So amidst my busy schedule, I wondered a way out of this syndrome. And I remembered my worthy seniors passing on these simple rules, which they conveniently passed on after getting that coveted promotion or that plum appointment. Nevertheless, Here I go with those golden rules, most of them added with my own spice :-

1. Rule No1 : Rule of Alphabets. When you sense that your boss is trying to find a guy to take on his work simply follow the Rule of Alphabets.

(a) A for Avoid. Avoid the work somehow. Avoid going in front of your boss only for sometime.Out of sight, out of mind principle may work wonders for you here.

(b) B for Backout. In the unfortunate event of you being sighted by your boss, simply back out. Convince him why you are not the best person to do this job and how he can employ the other guys who are more experienced and things like that. The more creative you are at this stage, the better off. The next stages are going to be increasingly difficult.

(c) C for Confuse. In you cant convince your boss why you are not the best person to do the job, Confuse him. Say something like “Actually sir, my mother’s daughter who was married to my friend’s friend is very sick and she has been taken to the hospital which is next to the cycle stand, which is itself next the same hospital I told you sir, which …..”

(d) D for Delay. So now you know that you cant escape. Atleast delay the start of the work by stating some clever reasons. If you have a work of his superior boss at hand, nothing like it.

(e) E for Extend. Now, that you are doing the job, extend the completion of job as much as possible. Make your boss realize that if you continue doing the job, then it may get delayed so much that he may lose his job.

(f) F for Finally F**k it up. After all this you are unsuccessful, finally f**k up the job so much that next time your boss does not even think of giving you his job!!

2. Rule No 2 : Rule of Competence. Don’t be competent. Because, the prize for competence is more work. And even the price you have to pay for your competence is more work. So be careful.

3. Rule No 3 : Rule of Minimum Work. Remember, efficiency is minimum work and maximum output. So to be efficient, start with minimum work in the first place. Maximum output will automatically follow. So some principles for this rule:-

(a) Never stand when you can sit.

(b) Never sit when you can lie down.

(c) Never just lie down when you can sleep.

(d) Never get up when you can keep sleeping.

4. Rule No 4 : Always Look Busy. Always look busy. Even when you don’t have any work, look busy by doing something by which everybody feels that you are about the make the next biggest invention. Because, work expands to fill the time available. No use finishing you work fast and showing off to the world. Sooner than later, you will get a new job. If you feel you can have a free evening when your boss is working, you are sadly mistaken.

5. Rule No 5 : Google it Out. If you get 24 hrs to finish the project, head straight for Google. For 23 hrs, search for another similar project in Google, which someone has already worked hard and which you need to just cut and paste. You will almost certainly find one. If not, you know you are brilliant, you can do it in the remaining one hour. In any case, had you known it would take two hrs for your own work, you should have demanded 48 hrs from your boss in the first place. That’s the scale.

Disclaimer: Lastly, be ready to face the open door your boss will soon show you for your “excellent” performance. The least you can expect is to be booted out of your department if not out of your company! And Dont blame me for giving you ideas.


Prophet of Doom said...

Hah! .. those rules wud surely boot u outta the workplace in no time at all... "Five Rules to have no work and no office" would be a more apt title...

The Ignoramus said...

dei..nalla idea sonne pa..

Schizophrenia said...

nice rules...and its giving me a good idea for the future ;)